Life is an infection and death is the cure

I was about to write this really long and elaborate message about life, my life experiences and the pain and suffering I feel I have faced during this life. But you know what? I am tired. What good would it do. I can't get the help that I need or want. I am alone whether by my own hand or by circumstance, I am alone as I once feared at age 9. I am miserable everyday even when I appear to be fine. I have wished I was dead for nearly half of my life and nothing has really changed about that. I left home when I was a teenager, hoping to find my place in the world. I thought I had finally found that place when I moved here to Georgia. I came here to make a church my home and to do what I felt was the way Christ wants us to live. Unfortunately, I no longer believe I was never meant to be anything more than a failure in all that I do. My entire life has been complete waste of time. We have have this desire to make a mark in the world and most of time I believed that. And yet, look at the end of my life. I have nothing to show for the mess I call my life Tomorrow morning, I am due to have a temporary access near my heart removed from my chest. The true testament to the asshole I am and the worst fucking friend in the world. I wished I was a better person, but I am who I am which is a waste of flesh. There is a big part of me that has no regrets for what I have done, but clearly I must have a many regrets because I am aware of the fucked way I have portrayed myself to others. I can't even articulate my feelings right now. I just want it to be over. I can't do this anymore...living. I suck at it and I am so fucking tired of being a fucking useless failure.